once again...

she has no idea what it is

She thought she suppressed you in her mind

But maybe its just jealousy

Cause no feelings for you are here defined...

It’s amazing that when I see you

I feel nothing like before

The goosebumps, the chills, the heart racing

…no more

Its hard to see us together

Even though we once were

But that’s just how far back youre suppressed

That the memory of you and me has dwindled down

To imagination

The reality of us no more

Sometimes I want to say I love you

Out of habit?

Im not sure

For im not sure I really mean it…as much as I did before

Sometimes I want you to hold me

So that with your touch my heart quickens pace

But as I settle into your embrace the less it begins to race

You know sometimes I want to talk to you

Like we did before

Hours on the phone in conversations that generally had no direction

But we loved to make each other laugh, we both just loved attention

We smiled a lot you and me

It seemed we had so much

You couldn’t say the others name without also mentioning such and such

We argued. Yes we argued. It was amazing how we made it through

“if it wasn't for those arguments the relationship would stay the same...we wouldn't be getting anywhere"

…this was said by you

You had so much hope for you and me

More than I had myself

I thought of us as too good true

We’ll never last, I said to others

But deep down inside I said to myself “I can’t believe I love him so much”

It really made me wonder

How can I be so into someone

Someone I hardly even knew

And then suddenly this person became the one who I pursued

They became the smile on my face

And the half that made me whole

I couldn’t believe I thought that way

So of course I shied away from the role

The role of the confident partner to others

I never said we’d be together forever

I kinda hinted at it though just not to make it seem clingly

Because I would hate to be the girl with all the dreams

And then the guy just leaves her…single…

It made me wonder where we went wrong

I guess it wasn’t us

We just weren’t seeing eye to eye

And a new environment we couldn’t trust

I never knew how long it’d take

For you to pass me by

I mean I never thought you would walk by me

And I wouldn’t reach for your hand

I never actually thought you’d walk by me

And I’d keep the same composer that I am

I never thought that you’d walk by me

And I wouldn’t feel a tug from your heart

I guess I never actually thought we would really be a part

But times change

And people grow

And we all know that apart is one of the ways we may go

So I’ll feel discomfort from time to time as I think about

The way we use to be

But when I put our names together

It never sounds right to me

So I sit and wonder what could it have been

who knows...I probably never loved you...so why'd I let you in?

You and Me

It's hard to believe we used to be.
You and me.
It's hard to believe what we used to say,
"I love you" and "together we'll stay"
"Through thick and thin"
You know all the cliché' love phrases
That we copied, cut and pasted into a collage
That made you and me.
Do you remember that time we laughed?
You probably could recall one time with enough detail
That we are suddenly gasping for air as we grab our stomachs
bent over in laughter.
We laughed so much that for every minute we laughed,
we laughed enough to fill every day from this year and past.
We laughed so much, that if laughter generated energy
We could have lit up Vegas, New York, and Paris, France.
You made me smile a smile that allowed me to walk
with my shoulders back and my chin held high
to the point that happiness was my morning, noon, and night.
When we hugged, I felt comfortable in your arms and no other.
I loved how we were
You and me.
Until it eventually became,
You. And me.
Love was take back like a chair
being dragged from under me,
and with no balance or you to hold on to…
I fell...in slow motion...out of love.
I got up with marks from the past,
and scars from the memories,
the kind you always want to explain the story
of how they came about.
So I would point to one and say "remember this?"
As if they had already known the story,
but in actuality never heard it.
So it opened up a gate for me
to fill their head with the stories of you and me,
the typical love story that defined how everyone wanted to be.
But as I try to remember it, it just seemed a little cloudy,
You know, like the effect we use to show that someone is daydreaming
the vision of the cloudy blurred edges
that give the impression that the person was possibly...
Just reminiscing.
And as I kept trying to tell the story
It didn't feel like I was reminiscing
but instead making a theory of what could happen
if I mapped out what we could be.
You and me.
It was no longer defined as reality
No matter how many pictures held
you and me.
Or how many times I saw your name with mine
It became a figment of my imagination.
No passion. Just two people. Together.
You. And me.

A get away...

a get away...
My thoughts are running rapid
rushing through the gates
I can’t keep them inside
and they keep quickening their pace
why am I suddenly so hurt
why do I feel a need, the need…
the need to yell at the top
of my voice all the things
held captive by me
but I’m being held captive
by my thoughts, by my mind
tied up in ropes of anger, fear, and tears
drowning in all the things I’ve kept inside for years
I want to scream
I want to lay down and cry…
cry enough tears to make a river
whose current will move me as I move my thoughts
so as to make my mind vacant
so as to breathe again,
to have clearity
so that I finally I can be free…
from me.

written: Oct 18, 2009